Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
