I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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