so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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