i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
