Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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