I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
