DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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