No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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