it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
