Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
