Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
