do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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