I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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