4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize