If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
