I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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