I wanna passion pit in your ass
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
