I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
