So drunk its hurt
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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