Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize