I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
