i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
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