Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Randomize
