And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
