dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
