Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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