My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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