i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
im six kinds of drunk right now
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
