What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
