Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
