she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
