Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
