I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We named our party play list daddy issues
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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