you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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