If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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