you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
