Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
