Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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