And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
