there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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