Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
