Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
