wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
