did you get engaged???
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
