to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
