I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
