the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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