saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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