I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
