This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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