I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
