I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
