Betty ford says i'm here all night
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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