Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
