is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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