There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
