Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Two words: nipple clamps
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