She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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