i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
